Filial Piety vs. Boundaries

An Internal Conflict

Thus far, I’ve only written about experiences that’s made me grow, or epiphanies that’s helped me reframe the way I view life. I do this primarily to process and reflect. If what I share is helpful or relatable for my readers though, that is just amazing.

However, this time around there’s no epiphany to share. It’s something I struggle with and feel conflicted about. Maybe some of you can relate:

How do we balance filial piety and setting healthy boundaries?

First, what is filial piety?

For those who aren’t familiar, here’s the definition (and for my fellow Asians, a refresher):

Filial Piety

noun

(in Confucianism) the important virtue and primary duty of respect, obedience, and care for one’s parents and elderly family members.

Filial Piety is a key pillar in the teachings in Confucianism. Confucianism is a philosophy and way of life that originated in ancient China. This school of thought and its traditions has integrated into most Asian cultures. Even though the world has changed dramatically since the Chinese philosopher Confucius was alive (551–479 BCE), much of his of teachings are still very much alive — in fact, serving as a foundation to societies today all over the world.

As an Asian American, I always carried an awareness of this concept but didn’t know what it was called until I was a young adult. It is a value centrally integrated in many Asian cultures.

Although filial piety is a traditional, even ancient, concept, children are still taught this at a very young age.

Obey your parents, always. Respect your elders. Take care of your parents when they are older. It is your duty. Pay your parents back for all the sacrifices they made for you.

This is of utmost importance to the family systems in Asian cultures and generally differs to that of Western cultures.

I’m making a general statement here, but American families typically have the following mindset:

• Raise kids to be independent and self-sufficient.
• When they turn 18, they are considered adults, responsible for their own choices and actions.
• If possible, kick them out of the house.
• They are to go out into the world and build their own life.
• If there is a loving relationship, children will visit their parents and care for them when they are old and sick (but this isn’t necessarily taught or built into the culture).

There will be many who are reading this and argue that for a variety of reasons, millennial Americans today, still have to live at home with their parents because they can’t afford to be on their own.

There’s a big difference though. Those kids don’t really have a choice. They live at home out of necessity. If they could, they’d be outta there in a heartbeat.

In Asian countries today, it is extremely common for children to live with their parents until they are married. In many cases, such as my cousins in Taiwan, they continue to live with their parents, even after marriage and having kids.

This is the normal family structure. Thus, blurred boundaries are also normal. In fact, boundaries are a foreign concept.

Many children in Western countries would be appalled if they were told to live with their parents for the majority of their life.

I can’t live my life! There’s no privacy! I need my boundaries!

Billi, there are things you misunderstand. You guys moved to the West long ago. You think one’s life belongs to oneself. But that’s the difference between the East and the West. In the East, a person’s life is part of a whole. Family. Society.

Uncle Haibin, The Farewell

As an Asian American and growing up in America, this level of expectation is not set on me. My parents also don’t have the expectation of me living with them or having to provide for them (at least at this point of their lives). They have very much embraced parts of the American culture.

However, the theme of filial piety is still ever present: respect, obedience, and care for one’s parents and elders.

As I’m grow older and ever-so-slightly-wiser, I’m recognizing the human flaws of my parents. Despite their best intentions, they too are still figuring it out as they go. They think they know what is best. They still often believe they are right on many things, so they try to imprint their way of thinking on me.

This leads to judgement, guilt, and miscommunication.

My parents also go through their bouts with their well-being. I can only support so much as their son. There’s a hazy line that can cross into the territory “wait-am-I-a-therapist?”.

I’m torn between respect, obedience, and caring for my parents while also setting healthy boundaries to look after my own well-being.

As therapy and mental-health has become more openly discussed in today’s environment, a common word we often hear about is ‘boundaries.’

Setting boundaries is protecting your personal emotional space. It’s understanding that you can say no. It is prioritizing your well-being first.

Read any article or book about therapy, mental health, or well-being and you’ll most likely find this Boundary word.

Boundaries allow us to live our lives the way we intend it to be. Our choices.

This often clashes with filial piety.

How the hell do we balance the two?